​So one of Auntie Anxiety's "things" is how important it is for you to learn how to talk back to your anxiety.  Over the years I have come to realize that "talking back" can mean different things to different people so I thought I would take a moment to explain Auntie Anxiety's version of "Talking Back".

We are not referring to "back talk" here.  While you may end up being sarcastic or firm with Anxiety, talking back is not about getting into a pissing contest!  Arguing with Anxiety from a place of resistance is not going to work.  Anxiety eats resistance for breakfast and that it just gives it fuel for a good fight 😬

The kind of talking back that Auntie Anxiety teaches has more to do with recognizing that Anxiety is not in charge and then being direct and firm or silly and sarcastic.  Whatever fits your style, the point is to "talk back" to Anxiety as you would to your bossy and socially awkward cousin or neighbor! Anxiety only pretends to be an authority figure, it is really just a trickster that messes with you when it gets bored!

Let's use an example from The Wizard of Oz.  Remember how Oz was perceived as this authority figure?  There was an air of mystery around him.  He rarely gave anyone an audience, and if you did get in to see him there was smoke and fire and a loud booming voice (No matter how many times I have seen that movie, I still jump when he yells 😬). 

All the folks in Oz and the surrounding areas obeyed his commands.  They seemed happy enough, but were clear that he was in charge.  Dorothy is the one who decides to question him, and, initially, gets yelled at, told what to do (you know, get the Wicked Witches broomstick) and dismissed for her trouble.  It is only when Toto pulls back the curtain and exposes The Great Oz for the Conman that he is that Dorothy finds out that she actually had the power within her the whole time.

See we have this tendency to want someone else to be in charge, to make the decisions, to be responsible.  It’s not our fault, we are conditioned to listen to and follow directions from authority figures from the time we are born!  What’s important, though, is to recognize that Anxiety is not that authority figure, we are our own authority figure.  We get to choose and be responsible.  Anxiety’s real job is to let us know when there is an issue of true safety, not just all of the situations where we might be uncomfortable, the ones that Anxiety enjoys scaring us with 🙄

So let's review: you already have the power within you to make decisions for yourself and to deal with whatever comes your way. You do not have to listen to Anxiety because it is using some fancy smoke and mirrors to convince you that it is in charge and all the while it is really just conning you 😳

So this week I want to you to think about how you are going to pull back the curtain on your Anxiety and really begin the process of getting to know exactly who you are dealing with AND how you are going to choose to Talk Back to your Anxiety!

Have you ever wanted something?  You know, like really, really wanted something?  And then you got it. And then you freaked out 😳😬

Yeah I had been wanting feedback from you.  And then I got it.  And then I freaked out a little 🙄😂

So since I started blogging and sending out newsletters and ramping up my presence on social media I have been so focused on how to do it that I was able to distract myself for a bit.  Then I started asking for feedback and I got *crickets* so I decided that no one was really tuning in anyway, so I went back to distracting myself with the back end and technical stuff.  

Believe it or not, even though I have been showing up in your inbox on a regular basis and rambling away in Facebook Lives, I actually like hanging out in the background.  It’s safe and comfortable in the background. 

When I am distracted and hanging out in the background then my Imposter (one of Anxiety’s many faces) does not have much to say.  Yeah, and what I know is that none of the work that I know I am here to do is going to get accomplished if I stay comfortable and quiet in the background 🙄

So that means that I have to deal with my Anxiety, in the form of the Imposter.  That’s the one that tells you that you don’t know what you are talking about and that no one wants to hear what you have to say anyway. The one that asks “Who do you think you are?” with a snarky and sarcastic tone.  The voice that spreads the seeds of self-doubt and convinces you that you are not competent.  

What does any of this have to do with me freaking out about getting the feedback that I have been asking for?  Well, now that a few of you have actually given me feedback (and I do truly thank you for sharing with me 😍😘) I can no longer just hang out in the background!  I have to show up and write something or say something (in videos and FB Lives) that actually is of value and helpful for those of you who are watching and reading my ramblings!  No pressure there 😳  Yeah, shit just got real!

So here I am, dealing with my Imposter and with my little freak outs along the way and committing to continue to show up regularly on my website, and in your inbox, and on social media to share as much valuable information as I possibly can to support you and your loved ones on this wild ride that we call Life 😍😘

One of the pieces of feedback that I received was that the questions that I ask make great journal topics.  So for those of you so inclined to journal (and have I mentioned that I highly recommend journaling?) here’s this weeks question:  How does Anxiety show up for you?  Does it ever wear the Imposter mask? Is it critical and does it bring self-doubt to your stage?  Have you ever been successful in banishing the Imposter to the back of the theater and continued on with your important work?  

Just like with plain old regular Anxiety, the way to deal with the Imposter is to answer it’s “What if…?” questions with “So what?” and to keep doing what you are doing!  Show up every day and keep moving forward toward your goals.  Anxiety, in whatever form it shows up, does not get to run the show or sit in the front row and criticize you.  Banish it to the back of the theater and keep going, even if the heckling continues from the balcony 😉

Another piece of feedback was that at least one of you has been actually holding back from sharing how these ramblings of mine have assisted you and that you are not sharing any questions or topics that you would like me to address because your own Anxiety has held you back.  That fear of “what if everyone can see what I share?” or “What if Auntie Anxiety thinks my question is stupid?” 😬. Fucking Anxiety and it’s Fucking “What if….?” Game 🙄

Folks, if you email me (ask@auntieanxiety.com), anything you share or ask is kept confidential!  I may write about it at some point in the future, but I sure as hell am not going to attach your name or any identifying information without your permission!  I truly do want to hear from you with questions, concerns, and any other information that will allow me to assist you in your journey to recognizing and embracing your Anxiety as your super power!

I have actually made it even simpler for you.  Here is a link to a survey that I created: http://www.auntieanxiety.com/fall-2017-survey.html  It is a whopping 5 questions long 😉 and the information you share is also only coming directly to me and will be kept confidential.

What do you want me to talk about next week?  Complete the survey or shoot me an e-mail and I’ll do my best to assist!

Smiles,

Lynn

P.S. - Groups start this week so get off the fence and get your Teen or Tween registered here: http://www.auntieanxiety.com/teen-group-application-survey.html

​Another week that finds those of us who are not in Mother Nature’s path of destruction being grateful while at the same time feeling a variety of emotions including anxiety and fear as we watch family, friends, and total strangers preparing for and then dealing with actual real life danger (the life and death kind, not the kind our Anxiety jerks us around with on a daily basis).  Being able to witness this speaks to the power of the internet, social media AND our deep desire to be connected.

Watching some of the posts over the last few days has been quite interesting to me from both personal and professional perspectives.  Personally I am dealing with my own anxiety around feeling helpless to do anything much beyond watching, waiting, and offering supportive connection to family and friends who are in the path of this bitch Irma.  Professionally I am in awe of the ways that folks have done a version of what I say almost everyday “Prepare for the worst AND expect the best”!  

I have watched people take the steps to secure their homes as best as they could and then evacuate (when possible) or secure their homes and then settle in and make batches of food for nourishment and comfort.  I have also watched people use one of the best tools that they can when Anxiety is biting at your heals, and that is Humor!  The jokes, memes, and videos on social media bear witness to the importance of using humor to assist us in dealing with even the most challenging of situations.

I have also been witness to a few folks who, despite the warnings and the danger, have chosen to act as if nothing is happening.  To ignore the warnings to either evacuate or prepare for the worst.  We may be able to sit here in our comfort zone and say “What an idiot” AND here’s the thing:  how many of us have let Anxiety talk us into freezing? We procrastinate, we put important tasks off (like making a doctor’s appointment, dealing with an issue at work, or talking to a friend who has said or done something that upset us), and we act as if ignoring something will make it go away.  

One of the ways that Anxiety gets us stuck in a loop like this is to use distraction.  The very tools that I have mentioned previously that allow us to bear witness and to be connected (the internet and social media) can be used by Anxiety to suck us into distraction AND to make it even more of a vicious cycle of fear, these same distractions can lead to even more Anxiety!   

How often have you had a moment where you have a list of goals for the day (I don’t do a To Do List anymore, I make a Goal List with Priorities…more on this another day…) and then you jump on social media or a news site like Reddit?  What happens?  First you have achieved Anxiety’s goal of distracting yourself from your own goals for the day AND you have now opened yourself to adding even more pieces of information for Anxiety to use to get your panties in a wad (and you know how much Anxiety enjoys itself when your panties are in a wad, right?)!

So how do we take back control of our days and face that bitch Anxiety head on without disconnecting from technology completely?  First we Accept that Anxiety is a part of our lives and that we do have to deal with it.  Someone who lives in the path of a storm can wish that the storm would not come, but a much more effective way of dealing with it is to accept that it is there and to Prepare for the Worst and Expect the Best.

Next would be to Lean In and Learn more about how Anxiety works and how to get it to work with you rather than against you.  Shit happens and it can sometimes be devastating AND I want you to notice how much positive comes out of these crappy situations like the aftermath of a storm.  Watching video and hearing stories about the helpers and how people of all walks of life laid down hate and helped each other survive was the one thing that Harvey accomplished just recently.  When we take the time to understand the role that Anxiety plays in our lives and to work towards working with it rather than fighting against it (which only feeds that Lying Bitch anyway) then it becomes an Ally rather than an Enemy.

Some of this may sound familiar as I am referring to the steps from my Free Guide about getting ALIGNED with your Anxiety.  If you haven’t read it, you can get it HERE.  If you already have it, maybe today would be a great day to review it.  Once we are ALIGNED with our Anxiety we can work to use technology as the tool it was intended to be rather than letting Anxiety use it to make us miserable!

So I have this idea…..would you be interested in being part of a small group to assist me in testing out a plan for taking back control of our Driver’s Seat from Anxiety?  One part of this would include how to use our technology as the tool it is intended and to stop being caught up in Anxiety’s vicious cycle of distraction and adding more worries to your list.  If you want to be part of my inner circle to work on this project, click HERE to send me an email!

Whether you are recovering from Harvey, are experiencing the wrath of Irma, or are fortunate to be storm free at the moment, know that connection and support are important human needs, and don’t let Anxiety convince you to “play it safe” and disconnect from others.  If Anxiety or it’s buddy Depression are doing their best to be your best friends and convince you to only play with them, please reach out to someone locally or let me know and I will do my best to either support you or connect you with someone who can support you!

Smiles,

Lynn

P.S. - Groups are filling for Fall, so it is time to claim your space before they are gone!  

So I saw a post this week about making this month “Self Care September” and I thought that it was: 

1) a wonderful idea (The fabulous folks over at Frederick Natural Health turned me on to this idea and I LOVE IT!) and
2) this would be an awesome opportunity to talk about how we can take better care of ourselves when it comes to Anxiety.

As this new season begins, remember that change does tend to set off our sensitive amygdalae, so remember that if your amygdala sends a signal of danger (heart racing, sweaty palms, butterflies in your stomach) that the steps are to:
 
1) check in and remind yourself that whatever is triggering is not life or death, so not actual danger

2) see if you can take a deep breath because that will signal the amygdala that there is no actual danger  (but don’t punch me in the face if you are not able to take that deep breath 😜)

3) “be not afraid” by telling your Anxiety to “bring it on” so that you can get this moment of panic over with and get on with your life and 4) remind yourself that “nervous” and “excited” feel the same in your body, so work on labeling what you are feeling as “excited” rather than “nervous”.

How many of you would be up for joining me in Self Care September?  

What does Self Care look like for you?  Does Anxiety tell you that it is not allowed?  That you have not “earned” it? That you have to take a week away at a spa in order to call it self care?  Yeah, that’s all bullshit (and Anxiety loves to feed you bullshit!), so let’s take this month to focus on the little things that are self-care.  Listen to your favorite music while you do the dishes.  Download a good book or podcast to listen to while you are driving (commenting, chauffeuring your kids around). Take 5 minutes to yourself somewhere quiet (even if this is in the bathroom or a quiet corner in a crowded room).  Consider one small thing you can do for yourself today and each day this month.

How many of you feel guilt and/or shame even when your Inner Critic (I believe my Inner Critic and Anxiety are first cousins….maybe even “Kissing Cousins” 😳😜) starts in on how you wasted your time, set a bad example for someone else or just plain did not meet your goals or intentions for the day?  We are a nation built on the notion of how hard work is imperative (hell, we even have a day that celebrates our nation’s commitment to Labor!) AND we suck a defining what hard work really is and how sometimes just showing up each day is actually hard work!  Who among you is familiar with this scenario: You have a goal and it is time to begin, Anxiety shows up and convinces you that you need to think about this goal for a bit longer (“But what if….?”), then you start to feel overwhelmed  and uncomfortable (and Anxiety jumps all over that and insists that you find a way to be comfortable), and then you distract yourself (yep we carry around these devices that make this step so incredibly easy these days 🙄) while at the same time doing your best to convince yourself that if you just get “this” done, you will be ready to start with the action steps to get your goal done.  

We are bombarded with distractions these days (my email just dinged me as I was writing this….note to self: turn off email notifications while I am writing!) and Anxiety loves to use those distractions (and the devices we have at our fingertips) to:

1) false comfort ourselves (if I just do “this” I will feel better) and

2) to keep us from actually taking action and reaching our goals.  

Why is Anxiety such a bitch about this?  Because it is protecting us from success.  Yeah, you read that correctly, Success!  We all think that we are afraid of failing (and we are to some degree), but Anxiety is much more concerned that we will succeed and therefore be even more responsible for more “things” and then Anxiety’s job might get harder…..So…..it keeps us locked in a struggle of distraction to keep us close and therefore safe (at least by Anxiety’s definition).

OK, so who wants to join me in taking one step toward a goal of self-care that you
1) actually do and
2) that starts a process of dealing with anxiety and learning to tolerate being uncomfortable? 

If you're with me pick something that you enjoy (listening to music, being quiet, reading, etc.) that you can do for at least 5 minutes. Now, the next time that Anxiety shows up, instead of distracting yourself with your phone (or other device), take 5 minutes and do your self care activity.  BOOM!  You just hit two birds with one stone!  Not listening to Anxiety immediately AND some September Self Care 😍😘

So I could sit here and share all of the "tips and tricks" about how, when you are experiencing anxiety, that you "should”:

•  get 8-10 hours of sleep a night (not a week people 😜)
• eat healthy nourishing food 
• kick your caffeine habit
• meditate
• breathe

You know, all of those are really great suggestions that you have probably read about and that sound so helpful for feeling more calm and in control.  Every time you turn around someone is offering a suggestion of what you can do to calm yourself.... all of those really great suggestions for feeling more calm and in control.  

I could do that. 

 I know all of that stuff is helpful for feeling more calm AND I also know that you already know all of that shit. 

 If you could do it, you would do it! 

So how is it helpful for me to give you a list of things that you know you are "supposed" to do?  What, so you can feel even worse about yourself and your situation?  Yeah, that's not the least bit helpful in the moment when Anxiety finds an in and decides to bite you in the Ass! 

I have asked every client (and even my friends and family and random people on the street) and 100% of the time when I ask “When you are upset or panicing, has anyone ever said 'just breathe' or 'everythings OK, just calm down’" and they say “YES!" and I say "and did you want to PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE?" the answer is a resounding “YES!" and the look of incredulous relief that 1) I must be able to read their mind and 2) someone else understands that desire to strangle someone (oh and that look and their reaction, it is priceless 😍).  One hundred percent of the time folks.....let that sink in....

So why do we continue to treat Anxiety as something to fight with?  Why do we just keep looking for band-aids to slap on our challenges?  Why do we continue to offer suggestions for calming before we have the conversation about what a Liar and Bully Anxiety can be?  Because most people are working from a broken model of how to treat Anxiety, that's why.  Please don't get me wrong.  All of this stuff is healthy for you and can support you in the process AND you have to learn how to Accept and Deal with Anxiety FIRST!

So how do you deal with chronic worry and anxiety?  You work on getting ALIGNED with it.  Learn about how it works, make friends with it, understand it.  You learn that Anxiety lies to you with messages like "You NEED to be Certain and Comfortable" and "Safety is Priority #1" and "OMG, what other people think is REALLY IMPORTANT" AND you learn how to say "So what, I'm not buying your lies anymore"!

Want to do this on your own?  That’s cool….here is a link to my free guide for Seven Suggestions for Getting Anxiety’s Ass out of your Driver’s Seat and into the Backseat (where it belongs).

Want more support? Auntie Anxiety offers individual and group support so check out the offerings here on my site or email me with questions Ask@AuntieAnxiety.com

 Hey, will you do me a favor?  Will you take a moment to comment below with how anxiety shows up in your life and bites you in the ass? 😘. Or, better yet, will you follow this link and take a short survey that will assist me in a little project that I have in mind for teaching people better "Tips and Tricks" for Dealing with their Anxiety?

​Yeah, Anxiety and I have been together for a long time AND the good news is, I know it is a Liar!  Does it still get me with all of this bullshit sometimes? Yep, it does….AND I also know how to recognize the lies and move forward anyway.  Am I triggered sometimes?  Yep….AND I deal with my thoughts and feelings and move forward anyway.

Fortunately, every once in awhile, I actually get to witness the answer to “Why Bother?”  One of these instances happened just the other night.  I had spent part of the afternoon working on a post about how, especially in light of all of the hateful shit that is going on around us, Connection and Community are Key to dealing with Anxiety and Fear (those places that can grow anger and hate).  It was about 20 minutes before my Anxiously Empowered Adult Group was to begin.  I was hiding out in the little nook in my office where I have my Command Center (OK, it’s just my desk, computer, filing cabinet, and work space tucked around the corner) and I hear group members starting to arrive.  

At some point I start to tune in because, instead of silence, which is what I often hear when there are Anxious people in the waiting room, I hear Talking and then I hear Laughing.  My heart starts to sing and my brain registers, “THIS….THIS is what makes all of this worthwhile”.  

My purpose is to Connect.  On this I am clear.  Sometimes connecting Anxious Tweens, Teens, Moms, and Adults is more challenging than Herding Cats, AND when I persist and keep offering and showing up, people do connect and all kinds of Wonderful Magic Happens!  

This particular Group has adults ranging in age from late 20’s to early 60’s, a mix of men and women.  These are people who find it difficult to be social, worried about what others may think about them, or say to them.  Worried they will freeze or even panic.  Some of them find it difficult to leave home or to commit to much beyond getting to work each day.  All of them have had their daily life and their lifetime joy impacted by Anxiety's Lies.  

Here’s the Awesome Part, though, THEY SHOW UP FOR GROUP AND THEY TALK AND SHARE AND SUPPORT AND QUESTION….AND THEY LAUGH!  And that, my friends, makes it all worthwhile!

If You or a Loved One is Looking to Deal with Anxiety...

​Anxiety is a sneaky little twit sometimes!  I often describe Anxiety to clients as a socially awkward and annoying friend.  One of those ones who has been around forever, maybe a neighbor or your cousin.  You know the one that you are just stuck with because of circumstance.  So what do you know about these socially awkward and annoying friends?  They do their best to get you to notice them and pay attention to them, and not only that, they don’t want you to pay attention to anyone else!  Yep, that’s how Anxiety works.  It wants your full attention, so it tells you lies and convinces you to stay home and alone and to only play with it!

Ready to teach your Anxiety a thing or two about how life really works?  Well then it is time to stop listening to the lies and start doing what is necessary to Connect and Build Community so that you are even better equipped to deal with what Anxiety attempts to throw at you!  Take back your Power from Anxiety and maybe, just maybe, you will even teach it some better social skills!

Not convinced yet? Does even the mention of interacting with  people you don’t know and situations that are unfamiliar get your heart racing and your palms sweating?  Is Anxiety yelling at you to stop reading and to go to your room?  Yep, Anxiety can be really convincing sometimes.  In case you are still reading, here are 3 Ways that Connecting with Others and Surrounding Yourself with Your Community can help you Empower Yourself in this struggle with Anxiety.
​

1. Anxiety is a LIAR so it is important to talk with someone other than your Anxiety on at least a Daily Basis.  If you spend all day, every day, with someone who is telling you lies, you might as well be in a cult!  Anxiety wants you to believe it is the one and only source of information in your life.  It wants to you to attend to it’s every whim and to isolate yourself so that you don’t question it.  So, it is time to question Anxiety’s authority by interacting with other’s who are also exploring how to be empowered and no longer under the spell of Anxiety the Liar.
2.  Does it really feel good to be so isolated?  I bet that at least some part of you is in there screaming “I want friends”, but Anxiety has convinced you that you can’t trust anyone (except for Anxiety….it really is a bit like a cult leader that way, isn’t it?) and so you aren’t willing to take a risk.  You have convinced yourself that you like being alone. Maybe there are thoughts like, “they will think I’m weird”, or “what if I freak out”?  Here’s the thing….most people find it challenging to trust others and to interact with people they are unfamiliar with.  How do you get familiar?  By taking a risk (Anxiety will Freak Out about this…..) and stepping foot into a room with another person.  Guess what?  Whether that person shows it on the outside or not, they are dealing with their own Anxiety having a freak out!  When we are willing to take that risk and start talking about our experiences with Anxiety (the socially awkward annoying friend/cult leader) we empower ourselves and each other.  We are no longer alone and we can begin to pick apart all of the lies that Anxiety has been feeding us.
3. Getting outside of yourself and your “problems”.  It is amazing how much more power we have when we connect to others and start to assist them with their issues.  Whether it is as simple as being willing to listen or as complex as forming an actual, in real life, friendship, getting our heads out of our own asses and supporting others in small and even big ways brings us to a whole new level of empowerment.  When we are empowered and take back our steering wheel, Anxiety has to get into the backseat, where it belongs!

Are you Ready to take back your steering wheel from Anxiety?  Get my Free Guide and 5 Day E-course that walks you through the 7 Steps to Successfully Kick Anxiety’s Ass Out of Your Driver’s Seat and Into the Backseat Where It Belongs!

​How many of you turned the calendar over to August a week ago and went "Holy Shit!"???  

It may simply be just because August represents the last month of summer (even though the season Summer does not end until September 21st ), but how many of you had that reaction because it means that it's time to get ready for your kids to return to school?  Maybe this is a milestone year: your baby is heading to college for the first time or your oldest is off to Kindergarten all day.  Maybe you are excited because summer has gone by like molasses running uphill in January (that would be super slow for those of you unfamiliar with that old time saying) and you cannot wait for your kids to be back in school.  What about those of you who have kids who are already ramping up their anxiety about going back?  Are you envisioning the tears, complaints of stomachaches, attempts to avoid, and shouting matches that the school year brings?  Whatever your situation, does Anxiety take full advantage by showing up and bringing a bag of worry and fear to your table?

Anxiety loves change because it is one of the easiest times for it to get a hold on us and play the "What if...?" Game!  "What if my kid has trouble on the bus?" "What if she cries when I drop her off?" "What if he doesn't have any friends?" "What if my kid refuses to go to school at all?"  

None of us like to see our kids in pain or suffering while they wrestle with overwhelming situations and emotions.  Change is tough for everyone involved.  The tricky part here is that Change is Inevitable (it is actually Growth that is Optional) AND the more we support our kids in learning how to deal with change and the overwhelming feelings that often accompany change, the more prepared they will be to become self-sufficient and competent adults one day.

So what do you do for the time that you have left before the school year starts (where I live that is not until after Labor Day this year!)?  

1. Do your best to enjoy the summer break.  Get out and enjoy the outdoors as much as possible AND let your kids get bored at times. Boredom is a great way to push our kids to problem solve and create their own ways to prove to themselves that they are competent.
2. Visualize the transition back to school as going as smoothly as possible.  See their fresh clean faces waking up on time, getting dressed, eating a healthy breakfast, and having their backpacks ready and arriving at the bus stop on time!  Fantasy?  Yep, and you may find it closer to reality if you can visualize it first, over and over again, for yourself.  Anxiety loves it when you spend time thinking about all of the things that can go wrong!  If that is your default, then turn those nightmares into a comedy.  If you are seeing your kid refusing school then picture yourself dragging them to the bus by their hair and stuffing them through the bus doors.  Humor can go a long way toward getting Anxiety to back off!
3. If your kids start talking about feeling nervous, help them to notice that nervousness and excitement feel exactly the same in your body!  It is only our thoughts that differentiate between Anxiety and Excitement.....so practice saying with your kids "I'm excited!" Over and over again, until you are willing to deal with it!

I, personally, am truly excited for the opportunities that the rest of the summer brings (a couple of hours by the pool here and there, bike rides, enjoying the bounties from my in-law's garden, exploring a museum or two)  AND for all of the opportunities that will happen this fall.  If Anxiety is kicking your ass or is tormenting one of your loved ones, Auntie Anxiety has lots of ways to support you in learning to kick Anxiety out of the Driver’s Seat and into the Back Seat where it belongs!  Details about Fall Group Offerings will be posted soon....

I guess my fascination with parenting styles in other countries started during my own pregnancy and was likely influenced by two things: my own personal decision to go against the "norm" here in the US and have a planned home birth AND my husband's fairly constant references to his Dutch relatives (on his mom's side of the family) and how different their attitudes about most things, including birth and child rearing, were from the mainstream here in the US.  Once my daughter was born, though, I rarely found time to read more about anything as I found myself sucked into some of the high expectations and hamster wheel mentality that our country is so (unfortunately) famous for in other parts of the world!

In the last year or so I have been finding myself drawn to discovering more about how parents in other countries view themselves and their roles as parents as well as the statistics that I see quoted where children are happier, more independent, and less anxious.  There seems to have been a run on books like The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids and The Happiest Kids in the World: How Dutch Parents Help Their Kids (and Themselves) by Doing Less and the theme in these books is for parents to take a step back and focus on taking care of themselves first and providing opportunities for their children to learn how to be competent and independent.  What a concept!

In another book Stuff Dutch Moms Like the author tells a funny story about a dinner party in Amsterdam and the conversation between American and Dutch moms.  Here is a link to the story https://stuffdutchpeoplelike.com/2017/02/08/how-to-babyproof-your-house-the-dutch-way-vs-american-way/

What if we American parents could find a way to deal with the pressures and expectations of our society and work on being more present to our families and more supportive of each other?  How many of you moms (and quite possibly you dads) feel like your "friends" are actually the first ones to judge your parenting? It can be brutal and oh so isolating.  Did you know that, as a country, the US is known for valuing intellectual ability while parents in other countries value things like social and emotional abilities and an even temperament(Italy), highly sociable children (Spain), security and happiness (Sweden), and independence, long attention spans and predictable schedules (The Netherlands).


As I continue creating and growing my offerings through Auntie Anxiety, I have circled back around to this idea that parents and children in other countries are, in general, happier and less anxious.  As my post from last week shared: Competence Crushes Anxiety.  When we find ways to take care of ourselves and offer our children opportunities to gain competence rather than comfort, we foster a means for them to deal with their anxiety in healthier ways.

Last weekend I attended a conference for counselors that was titled "The Courage to Connect: Shaping Our Future in an Age of Uncertainty".  Yeah, we are definitely becomming for aware of our anxiety in this country (and are bombarded every day with scary things to be anxious about!) AND we have to start looking at ways to get out of the content of our worries and moving towards ways to deal with our anxieties and teach our children how to be competent and confident adults. 

We are most definitely not done with this topic AND here are some suggestions for ways to get started with competence building ideas for your home:

1. Even the youngest of children can have a "job".  Learning that it takes the whole family pitching in to keep a household running (Moms, it is time to give yourself a promotion from Maid to Supervisor) cannot be learned too early.  Here is a link to a great (printable) chart that suggests appropriate “chores” according to children’s ages: http://www.thirtyhandmadedays.com/2015/01/kids-help-clean-chores-by-age/
2. Allow time for "mistakes" each day.  Mistakes are simply opportunities in disguise and when our children learn that making mistakes AND learning from them are part of life, they are more willing to take some amount to risk to attempt new things.  We get caught up in getting places on time and our anxiety jumps in and convinces us that we have to do things for our kids or we will be late (or something will get messed up, or whatever the “thought” du jour might be).  Let’s shift our priorities to creating an environment of learning rather than one of being on time (says the woman and mom who hates to be late 😉).
3. Figure out at least one self care activity that you can do for yourself each day (even if that is going to the bathroom by yourself for those of you with young children).  We live in an accomplishment driven society and so we have to figure out how to turn that into something that works for us.  What if we counted self care as an accomplishment?  I know it is cliche at this point AND it is an important metaphor:  Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!

So my daughter's immune system is getting stronger.  The Petri dish that I send her to every school day has really put her through the ringer, but I have noticed that she is going for longer stretches of wellness between her immune boosting bouts of illness.  As we spent the weekend hunkered down dealing with a fever and congestion, I reflected on Anxiety and Illness.

When I was a new mother, every sniffle or cough or sneeze had my full attention.  Anxiety was quick to tell me what a bad mother I was if I didn't immediately address my daugher's symptoms.  I've come a long way from that and it has been one step at a time.  I had to embrace the inevitability of illness and also recognize that with each round  I gained more knowledge, noticed more patterns, and gained the ever important feeling of competence in being a mother.  

Now I'm going to let you in on a few things.  First I had to walk my talk as far as dealing with my Anxiety.  It still, no matter how much work I have done, will do it's best to get my panties in a wad over the littlest thing.  It wants me to worry about her health. Am I feeding her the "right" foods? Am I helping her get enough sleep? Is she stressed out? Am I stressed out? The list seems endless at times.  Every day I have to deal with these questions and with what life puts in my path.  Every day I have to move toward these questions that may scare me.  I have to discern between Anxiety's actual signals (hey she feels hot, take her temperature) and the noise that it loves to generate (what happens if her temperature goes above 102? What if she won't eat or drink? What if? What if? What if?).

Second, accepting stress, illness, and the unexpected has been one of the most important steps in this Anxious Mother/Anxious Daughter Dance.  Competence is one of the keys to this part.  I have, at times, had to conciously choose to not ask for reassurance from others.  You heard that right.  I made a choice to position myself as the "expert" in my daughter's health.  Now, I certainly consult with other experts like our doctor and other resources specific to children's health, but I do not rely on them solely.  The only way for me to gain competence in being a mom is to rely on myself first, before I "check" with anyone else.  This was super hard in the beginning, as I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and wanted someone else to bear the burden of responsibility.  It has been my commitment to doing this work, though, that has allowed me to fully experience my anxiety and to get past the noise to actually build competence and confidence in being a parent!  Do I get it "right" everyday?  Of course not.  I just accept that there is no absolute right or wrong and that as long as I show up and do my best, that's all that I can ask of myself.

So how do we generalize this concept to dealing with an Anxious Kid? The same two "rules" apply.  We first accept that our child tends toward being anxious with all of the interesting and frustrating and scary "symptoms" that come along on this journey.  Then we set a goal for ourselves to become the "expert" in our parenting of our Anxious Child.  With this goal we commit to being our child's first and foremost expert and view the other "experts" as resources to consult. We take responsibility and are compassionate with ourselves during the lifelong learning process! 

We also commit to dealing with our own anxiety around parenting an anxious child and that means distinguishing signals vs. noise.  We teach and model this to our Anxious Kids.  We are willing to give them the "medicine" that they need, which may include putting them in uncomfortable situations where they have to work on their own competence building skills.  

Here are today's Parenting Takeaways:

1. Accepting what is.  Your child has a runny nose, your child is sneezing, she has a fever, he is being grouchy, she is refusing to brush her teeth, he is avoiding the dog, she cries each morning before school, he comes home from school crying....this list is endless and the sooner we accept that life is in a constant state of flux/change and is unpredictable, the sooner we can use that wonderful brain of ours to deal with what is in front of us in any given moment!
2. Commit to building your competence.  It takes 10,000 hours to be an "expert" in something.  Do the math (24 hours a day x 365 days in a year = 8760 hours of parenting in your child's first year!). You got this!  Sure you are not practicing your parenting 24/7, but keep in mind that it is also not realistic to expect yourself to be that "expert" by the time your children are two.  Give yourself a few more years AND give yourself a pat on the back for your commitment to this!  Competence is not about how others view our parenting, it is about us believing in ourselves!
3. Move forward.  Life is going to move forward and digging our heals in does not stop it! Make a mistake?  Keep going!  Remember that mistakes are just opportunities in disguise!  Each day with a kid is a new adventure.  Strap yourself in and enjoy the ride 😊